- My private jacuzzi, mine!
Here I am, in the Canaries, on assignment for The Cork Independent. It’s baking hot, so hot that the ground underfoot could make the soles of your feet sizzle like a cheap cut of meat on a disposable barbecue. Not that any of that matters – I’m in a private cabana overlooking Siam Park, one of the most interestingly-themed water parks in the work. I have my own personal jacuzzi.
If it sounds like I’m gloating, it’s because I am. This is the life. It’s not a particularly tough work week, but someone has to do it. And if it wasn’t going to be me, it’d be some other lucky gloater. For proper journalistic effect, I’m going to add in a ‘na nyah na nyah nyah’.
Ok, no more gloating – I’ve reached that fine line between smugness and losing my job.
Siam Park is interesting. It’s not your normal water park. The rides are more like rollercoasters and are spaced out like a theme park. It’s built on a gargantuan scale! There are actual seals in the reception area! Private cabana (with, for some reason, piped in Seventies disco music – Hot Stuff is playing now, Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel preceded it)! Private. Cabana. You don’t know what this means to me, you guys.
One snag. I don’t own a swimsuit. I don’t own a one-piece, bikini, monokini, tankini, mankini or burkini. Not a single piece of costume for swimming do I own.
This is not particularly surprising for an Irish woman who doesn’t go on holidays and isn’t really into swimming. I borrowed one of my mother’s one-pieces from Dunnes, which does the job of covering errant floating breasts quite effectively – so buoyant are they that I might hit myself in the face with one of them, knock myself out and drown, thus spawning joke obituary headlines that could, potentially, be heard around the world.
Buying swimwear is tricky at best, like buying all clothes is – only much more so. For women as well as men, it can often be fraught with self-loathing and insecurity as well as the overriding need to buy a small piece of cloth that covers your bits but bares your essential self to the world at large.
For what it’s. worth, 99% of the women at Siam Park are wearing bikinis and the other 1% are almost definitely Irish. Is it a nationality thing? Probably not. Correlation does not equal causation.
I will say one thing though. I wish that I didn’t leave my swimsuit in the hotel…